Before You Killed Me…

I remember being a small and happy little girl. Always smiling, and laughing. Full of joy and imagination. 

Seeing the world as a big place full of surprises and joy. I remember thinking you were the best person in the world. My protector, someone to look up to, someone who would chase the monsters away. 

I remember having a dream of being an actress… living in Hollywood making movies like Marilyn Monroe. 

I remember thinking my life was pretty good. 

I remember having friends, I remember going to play with those friends and spending the night at their houses and they would stay at ours.

I remember when you and mom chose to move to the farm. I didn’t want to go and leave my friends and school. 

I remember attending a school in the south, being from Chicago it was a real culture shock! I remember not being allowed to have any friends, not allowed to go to their houses or let them call me or come to mine. I remember living on that farm I didn’t ask to live on out in the middle of no where and seeing my childhood melt into nothingness. I remember being so small and having to feed giant cows and pigs at the crack of dawn with my brothers and mother, while my eldest sister slept in her bad. 

I remember seeing my brothers get beat for not doing their jobs right, I remember being beat for not doing mine. And yet where were YOU? Oh I remember standing over to the side of the barn yelling  obscenities at us. I remember the nasty names you called my brothers and I. Some names also were insulting to our mother! I remember how you ripped my hair out by its roots on several occasions, how you pulled a shotgun out at my big brother and how you viciously beat my little brothers and I. 

I remember when you decided 
I shouldn’t have a happy childhood anymore…. You molested me! You Killed ME! I died at the age of 11. Who ever I was supposed to be … you killed her! You stole everything from me. My safety, my innocence, my happiness, my joy, my dreams, my life, my virginity! You stole all that from me and to this day, try to justify your sick and deranged actions! You killed me! You took everything I was supposed to be and destroyed it! You beat me, kicked me, ripped my hair out, threatened to RAPE me ( as if you weren’t already) kicked the skin off the back of my leg because I wasn’t moving fast enough picking up garbage in the woods. And now all I can do is remember who I was before you killed me! That little girl seems to be a fairy tale to me now. Not real just a story someone told me once and image in a photo of someone I never knew! The anger that lives inside me and the nightmares that come to life every night to this day are the result of what you did to me! 

I will never forgive you for killing the girl I was to be… before you killed me! 

Image The End